A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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