what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He passed out mid-signature
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
