Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
