who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
