eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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