He kissed a someone with a penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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