If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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