think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
