My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
