Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
