Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
