That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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