Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
