Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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