I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
