Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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