guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
