I wish I only lived at night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
