How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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