..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
