Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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