Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
