How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
