I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
