im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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