you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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