Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
