Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
