I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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