Will you blow on my dice?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
