Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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