I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
