My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
