Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
