Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
