How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
