that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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