i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
