Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
