I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
