Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
