Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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