We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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