i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my being single is dangerous.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
