I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
