now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
