Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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