1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
