just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
