Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
