problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
