Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
