Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
