I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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