She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
