There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
