i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
