What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
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Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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