now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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