Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
so much tequila, so little girl.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
