I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
